Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
