I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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