Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
In America we eat man semen.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
