chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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