I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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