I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
