So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
