I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
