i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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