I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just pynch a tree in the face
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
