i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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