So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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