So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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