1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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