Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
