god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
