how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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