hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
