I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
