***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
