I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize