Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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