Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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