I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
