i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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