As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
