So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
