so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
