so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
