Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it glows. i had to have it.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
