I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
