i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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