So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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