my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
