I feel like abortions should bother me more
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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