you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
