this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
