i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
