I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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