If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
there's paper in my vomit.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
