I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
