god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
