All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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