A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
