And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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