She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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