apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Two words: blizzard sex
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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