I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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