Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize