my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
