I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
