worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
