the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
