so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize