1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
