I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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