I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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