so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize