jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
